I am a girl.
I am a girl who loves seeing full rainbows, beautiful butterflies, and ugly bugs.
I am introspective and sometimes shallow.
I have complex thoughts and ideas and reasonings but I am simple.
I am full of shining hope, but always expect disappointment.
I have hippie ideals and Christian theology.
I have my realistic, practical, futuristic head in the clouds.
I crave new experiences but dread change.
I see how everything is connected and I feel unattached.
I am honest.
I am a liar.
I am good.
I am bad.
I am a true paradox, a flurry of contradictions united in one being.
And I am truly loved.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Take me to the land of the half awake
There I can make my dreamy escape
To the borderline world where the lines are smudged
And it doesn't matter if I don't wake up
In that place, your demons pull
One step at a time
But you're still in control
Take me to the land of the half asleep
There my close friend is Apathy
He'll relax my thoughts till the lines are smudged
And it doesn't matter if I don't wake up
Hold on tight to the truth you know
If you loosen your grip, it's easy to let go, because
In that place, you demons pull
One step at a time
But you're in control
In that place, it's easy to break
Did you feel it happen
Now that you're awake
There I can make my dreamy escape
To the borderline world where the lines are smudged
And it doesn't matter if I don't wake up
In that place, your demons pull
One step at a time
But you're still in control
Take me to the land of the half asleep
There my close friend is Apathy
He'll relax my thoughts till the lines are smudged
And it doesn't matter if I don't wake up
Hold on tight to the truth you know
If you loosen your grip, it's easy to let go, because
In that place, you demons pull
One step at a time
But you're in control
In that place, it's easy to break
Did you feel it happen
Now that you're awake
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
So there's this cute boy at work and he's adorable and when I went around giving everyone frozen snickers bars, i asked him:
..."Would you like a frozen midnight treat?"
What is wrong with my mind???
What is wrong with my mind???
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tattoos
How do you feel about tattoos?
I enjoy them. I think they are beautiful. They are little arts all over your body. Or big arts all over your body.
But there are obviously many opinions out there about them. I've heard someone say they didn't want to get a tattoo because they were worried it was the sign of the devil.
I've tried to reason my way into that one, but I can't make that one make sense in my head.
Anyways. I have some tattoos in mind.
This one I want right above my elbow. Three is a great number. There is a lot of symbolism in that number and I like the fact that since they are rings that go around your arm, they never end- infinity.
The one I want is similar to this, but different. It still has the concept of things going over both wrists, but on the left there will be a tree or branch, and there will be motion- like wind- blowing leaves onto the next wrist. But by the time the leaves reach the end of the second wrist, they will have turned into butterflies and will be beginning to take flight.
Last but not least, I can't find a picture that's similar to this:
An equilateral triangle, flat side down (pointing up) kind of on the top of my back, between the shoulders, not quite touching the neck. Outlines in black, very thin lines, not filled in. About 2 cm on each side. Again, the three motif. In a geometric form.
*pictures are from here*
**also, if you know why the pictures are so large, even though i selected small when downloading the url, i'd love you forever if you told me**
I enjoy them. I think they are beautiful. They are little arts all over your body. Or big arts all over your body.
But there are obviously many opinions out there about them. I've heard someone say they didn't want to get a tattoo because they were worried it was the sign of the devil.
I've tried to reason my way into that one, but I can't make that one make sense in my head.
Anyways. I have some tattoos in mind.
This one I want right above my elbow. Three is a great number. There is a lot of symbolism in that number and I like the fact that since they are rings that go around your arm, they never end- infinity.
The one I want is similar to this, but different. It still has the concept of things going over both wrists, but on the left there will be a tree or branch, and there will be motion- like wind- blowing leaves onto the next wrist. But by the time the leaves reach the end of the second wrist, they will have turned into butterflies and will be beginning to take flight.
Last but not least, I can't find a picture that's similar to this:
An equilateral triangle, flat side down (pointing up) kind of on the top of my back, between the shoulders, not quite touching the neck. Outlines in black, very thin lines, not filled in. About 2 cm on each side. Again, the three motif. In a geometric form.
*pictures are from here*
**also, if you know why the pictures are so large, even though i selected small when downloading the url, i'd love you forever if you told me**
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Lollapalooza
SOOOOOO...!!!!
Tomorrow is Lollapalooza!
And I'm excited for everything
the food
the beach
the city
and, of COURSE, the MUSIC
we'll be hearing/seeing temper trap, MGMT, mumfors and sons, frightened rabbit, and switchfoot
i am VERY VERY VERY for mumford and sons and switchfoot!
so, as a little pre-lollapalooza amazingness, here is the lyrics to one of mumford and sons' songs (all there songs are simply genius):
Awake, My Soul- Mumford and Sons
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker
Aaaaand, I gueessss, if you want to listen to it
heresthevideo!
Tomorrow is Lollapalooza!
And I'm excited for everything
the food
the beach
the city
and, of COURSE, the MUSIC
we'll be hearing/seeing temper trap, MGMT, mumfors and sons, frightened rabbit, and switchfoot
i am VERY VERY VERY for mumford and sons and switchfoot!
so, as a little pre-lollapalooza amazingness, here is the lyrics to one of mumford and sons' songs (all there songs are simply genius):
Awake, My Soul- Mumford and Sons
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker
Aaaaand, I gueessss, if you want to listen to it
heresthevideo!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Song of Songs 2:10-14 (NJB)
Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.
For you, the winter has passed,
The snows are over and gone.
The flowers appear in the land,
The season of joyful songs has come.
The cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.
Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.
Let me see your face,
And let me hear your voice.
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is beautiful.
Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.
For you, the winter has passed,
The snows are over and gone.
The flowers appear in the land,
The season of joyful songs has come.
The cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.
Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.
Let me see your face,
And let me hear your voice.
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is beautiful.
Come now, my love. My lovely one, come.
One last thing
With that realization I was talking about two posts ago, I don't know if i will continue to feel this way, but I have very much wanted to go on a trip by myself somewhere and just be alone.
Because I have felt like I'm losing myself at times. Like the personalities that I am around are folding themselves into me, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I feel like I'm less and less myself each day. And sometimes it just gets to be too much. I just shut down. Emotionally. Physically. Those are the days where I do nothing but watch mindless t.v. and munch endless calories and run my fingers through my hair. It's the only way to keep from overloading.
And I feel like I need to take a little break from life to get on track. I'm only 19, this can't be right. To feel like I've wasted my life not being myself when it hasn't even started?
...Maybe a solo break isn't what I need, it has the potential to just make me feel worse...but going to a new place, with lots of people, but by myself. Alone with completely new people who don't already know me in a completely new place I've never been to. I wouldn't be lonely, but I would be forced to be myself.
I just feel like I need something like that soon or I will go crazy. I just don't know how or when or where. Or how to justify it, besides simply needing some major mental health time...
Because I have felt like I'm losing myself at times. Like the personalities that I am around are folding themselves into me, and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I feel like I'm less and less myself each day. And sometimes it just gets to be too much. I just shut down. Emotionally. Physically. Those are the days where I do nothing but watch mindless t.v. and munch endless calories and run my fingers through my hair. It's the only way to keep from overloading.
And I feel like I need to take a little break from life to get on track. I'm only 19, this can't be right. To feel like I've wasted my life not being myself when it hasn't even started?
...Maybe a solo break isn't what I need, it has the potential to just make me feel worse...but going to a new place, with lots of people, but by myself. Alone with completely new people who don't already know me in a completely new place I've never been to. I wouldn't be lonely, but I would be forced to be myself.
I just feel like I need something like that soon or I will go crazy. I just don't know how or when or where. Or how to justify it, besides simply needing some major mental health time...
The Bachelorette
Also, talk about melodramatic...The Bachelorette.
For some reason, I have recently become obsessed. And when I say recently, I mean yesterday. So I've Hulud (why yes, that is the verb form of Hulu, the internet site in which fans can watch most recent episodes of their favorite television shows) every episode of Season 6, up until episode 8. And I know that "reality tv" isn't real. But some of these people are just amazing, even if they are part fiction.
One guy's family kind of lives by this slogan "Love is the only reality." And I've kind of been analyzing it. Just seeing if I like the feel of it for now, but I might adopt a form of that phrase. I mean, God is Love. And God is real. When all else fails, HE you can count on. He is the only Reality, and He is Love.
It's like those proofs in math (that's right. I love my math.):
If God is love and God is real, then love is real.
That's obviously over-simplified, but I like the whole concept very much.
Obviously. It's what we're all made for, this Love thing.
So yeah, just another one of the many thoughts that have passed by today.
For some reason, I have recently become obsessed. And when I say recently, I mean yesterday. So I've Hulud (why yes, that is the verb form of Hulu, the internet site in which fans can watch most recent episodes of their favorite television shows) every episode of Season 6, up until episode 8. And I know that "reality tv" isn't real. But some of these people are just amazing, even if they are part fiction.
One guy's family kind of lives by this slogan "Love is the only reality." And I've kind of been analyzing it. Just seeing if I like the feel of it for now, but I might adopt a form of that phrase. I mean, God is Love. And God is real. When all else fails, HE you can count on. He is the only Reality, and He is Love.
It's like those proofs in math (that's right. I love my math.):
If God is love and God is real, then love is real.
That's obviously over-simplified, but I like the whole concept very much.
Obviously. It's what we're all made for, this Love thing.
So yeah, just another one of the many thoughts that have passed by today.
So I kind of had this major thought...
i tried to type it to my friend in a facebook message, but it ended up just going all over the place, so let me just try to narrow it down here...
i am a Christian, a follower of Jesus. But these past few months, maybe even totaling up to a year, my relationship with God hasn't been that great. I felt kind of lost but couldn't really pinpoint where or when everything just kind of fell apart. And it wasn't like everything just broke down to pieces, it was just a gradual slipping away...I just sort of wandered here, and took a slight turn there.
oh, I just thought of a great kind of analogy.
When you are using a compass, if you are one degree off, you can end up in the completely wrong place, even the wrong country. So I was just a couple degrees off here and there, and suddenly I realize I'm in a lonely desert instead of a lush garden. And when I look back, I can't even pinpoint where it all went wrong- what the big mistake was- because there wasn't one big mistake, just a few wrong steps.
So that's where I was. And the same thoughts just went through my head for months: What did I do wrong? God is love, but I'm not feelin it, am I unlovable? Have I done something to make God turn on me? But my Father takes care of His lost children, right? Because He loves them, so why am I here? I was stuck in a rut, going round and round and I couldn't get out. I couldn't figure out what had happened. And I felt like since I didn't know what happened, I didn't know how to get back to where I was. I was hoping so badly that since I wandered away, I could wander back. But you can't do that. Not with important things. Important things need active decisions to make bad things better.
So I figured it by out a blog post I was reading. Just the title caught my attention: Not all who wander are lost. And in my head I thought I'm wandering, and VERY lost... And so then I decided to do what I do best. Research. Google. Biblegateway (which is amazing. if you don't know what it is, polish your research skills. you'll thank me later) I came across this article about being lost and how sometimes you can be too independent. How sometimes you can just wake up one morning completely lost and not how how you got there.
And I don't know, just the whole article, things just started to make sense. And not just the article, I actually cracked open my Bible a bit and did some research there too (amazing how intimidating that thing can be when you feel guilty about being the crappy half of the relationship).
Anyways, I realized that I just kind of wandered away. Here's how I put it in that message i was talking about:
i wandered away. i lost my focus, my destination became foggy, there was no ultimate goal. without a goal, the rules i live by were easily questioned, easily countered, easily dismissed. i wandered, and soon, i was lost. completely, hopelessly lost. and i didn't even know it.
It sounds so melodramatic now, but that's what happened.
And now that I know kind of what went down, I know how to fix it. And it has not been easy. Even just this past day...I still have far to go. But God is helping me, He is. With the little things that help me make those small decisions that lead to bigger consequences. He's there. Helping me and loving me.
i am a Christian, a follower of Jesus. But these past few months, maybe even totaling up to a year, my relationship with God hasn't been that great. I felt kind of lost but couldn't really pinpoint where or when everything just kind of fell apart. And it wasn't like everything just broke down to pieces, it was just a gradual slipping away...I just sort of wandered here, and took a slight turn there.
oh, I just thought of a great kind of analogy.
When you are using a compass, if you are one degree off, you can end up in the completely wrong place, even the wrong country. So I was just a couple degrees off here and there, and suddenly I realize I'm in a lonely desert instead of a lush garden. And when I look back, I can't even pinpoint where it all went wrong- what the big mistake was- because there wasn't one big mistake, just a few wrong steps.
So that's where I was. And the same thoughts just went through my head for months: What did I do wrong? God is love, but I'm not feelin it, am I unlovable? Have I done something to make God turn on me? But my Father takes care of His lost children, right? Because He loves them, so why am I here? I was stuck in a rut, going round and round and I couldn't get out. I couldn't figure out what had happened. And I felt like since I didn't know what happened, I didn't know how to get back to where I was. I was hoping so badly that since I wandered away, I could wander back. But you can't do that. Not with important things. Important things need active decisions to make bad things better.
So I figured it by out a blog post I was reading. Just the title caught my attention: Not all who wander are lost. And in my head I thought I'm wandering, and VERY lost... And so then I decided to do what I do best. Research. Google. Biblegateway (which is amazing. if you don't know what it is, polish your research skills. you'll thank me later) I came across this article about being lost and how sometimes you can be too independent. How sometimes you can just wake up one morning completely lost and not how how you got there.
And I don't know, just the whole article, things just started to make sense. And not just the article, I actually cracked open my Bible a bit and did some research there too (amazing how intimidating that thing can be when you feel guilty about being the crappy half of the relationship).
Anyways, I realized that I just kind of wandered away. Here's how I put it in that message i was talking about:
i wandered away. i lost my focus, my destination became foggy, there was no ultimate goal. without a goal, the rules i live by were easily questioned, easily countered, easily dismissed. i wandered, and soon, i was lost. completely, hopelessly lost. and i didn't even know it.
It sounds so melodramatic now, but that's what happened.
And now that I know kind of what went down, I know how to fix it. And it has not been easy. Even just this past day...I still have far to go. But God is helping me, He is. With the little things that help me make those small decisions that lead to bigger consequences. He's there. Helping me and loving me.
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