I don't know...I've been thinking about a point of view (Calvinistic maybe? idk) and questioning sanctification. I know and am close to people who claim to be sanctified (like a "christian perfection," people who are sold-out to God and their views are completely alligned with God's will...something like that). And I know people aren't perfect, but...well, no, no 'but'- that's it: People aren't perfect. So how can there be this sanctification? I really don't get it. I don't think I agree. Because it's in the day-to-day behavior where I see a lack of love and sincerity. I want to be the kind of person is loving and peaceful and patient and kind and sincere in person, in every moment. I want to show God's love in the details. But I don't. I just have this overwhelming awareness that I'll never be good enough, and I hate that knowledge. What am I supposed to do? I mean, I can just accept that fact or not, but it's a powerful piece of information, you know? I could recognize that I'm completely imperfect and not even try, or I can do the whole trying thing, and hope I did better compared to the next person? Does that sound right to you? Where is the middle ground, because I'm struggling to find it. How do you live? We are broken, and I am seriously confused about how I am supposed to do this. I can only think of two choices: recognize the imperfection and a) live with the fact that nothing you do can be right because no thing or action will be as it was truly meant or b) and try to make up for it by constantly trying  to be what you aren't - perfect - and then trying again and again because you keep on failing. There has to be an option C right? I'm stuck in limbo now, a coma between the only two options I have. Why can't things unravel and be uncomplicated again? Why can't things be a nice neat straight line, where all the answers are in front of you, if you just keep going?

All these questions that lead to more questions that I have no answer for...or maybe I did once and have forgotten them...

Note: Remember this when trying to butter me up

Too often we don't realize what we have until its gone. 

Too often we're too stubborn to say "Sorry, I was wrong." 

Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts, 

and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.

I believe in magic.
Not the kind of i-can-guess your card-magic, nor the soon-you-will-find-love-magic...
but the kind of magic you get when you know you just hovered over your lumpy mattress because that piece of hair just moved and you got a chill from the breeze of falling.
Or the kind of magic you feel when you find a long-lost trinket, one you know was lost at a party and never to be found again.
This kind of magic happens when you sleep outside and listen to nature sounds, and see thousands of stars even though you are in one of the largest cities in the state.
This magic sparkles and you can hear it crackle if you use your ears correctly
like distant fireworks
it's electric, it shows through the lucky ones' eyes.
It's beautiful and unique and true,
and you may not realize you've even seen magic until years after it happened.
Magic is tricky that way.
Yes, I believe in this kind of magic.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

~ Oscar Wilde

a quiet note-to-self

These emotions are natural, these waves are normal
Just ride them out and move on